Is it me??

I am kind of reluctant to write this but here goes.  I'm a middle child and I don't like confrontation.  I remember when Sally Fields received her Oscar and said "you like me, you really like me".  I wish it wasn't so important to me but I like people to like me.  So hopefully, you won't dislike me after reading this post.

My book club talked about reading A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.  They had all heard it was wonderful, some of them had read it and loved it.  If you are not familiar with the book it chronicles the unexpected deaths of Joan Didion's husband and daughter.  I had read the book also and I just didn't get it.

My first husband died when I was 35 and he was 42.  We had been married for 10 years and had a 5 1/2 month old son.  We had struggled with infertility for many, many years.  Obviously it was hard, who would think it wasn't?

I read Joan Didion's book and I thought why are you writing this?  Who is your audience.  Anyone who has been through a loss knows (I think) that everyone grieves differently, people are at different places in their lives.  The press about the book was so positive.  It just seemed like she was wallowing in her grief, looking for attention.  I'm sure that was not her intent, she seems to get plenty of attention and appears to have led a pretty good life.  I am sorry for her losses.  

Some of my fellow book clubbers know about my past but some don't.  I haven't felt it was something I needed to share with everyone.  People do act a bit different towards you, usually in a good way.  Those that had already read the book thought it gave great insights into the loss of a spouse or child.  I didn't see that at all, it kind of seemed exploitive.  That's probably a bit harsher than I mean to be.  I guess that is what I'm not getting.  I don't know Joan Didion but I'm sure she had very positive intentions when she wrote the book, I just wish I knew what they were.

I read blogs about widowers and I have the same reaction.  What is the point?  Who is the audience?  I know how painful and difficult it can be to face this child rearing alone.  I know how the unexpected jumps up and slaps you in the face.  At some point you have to take a breath and just get on with life,  unless you are letting this loss define your life.    I hope I don't sound heartless, I just don't get it and wonder if it is me.

For the record, I also don't get baseball.  My husband (I remarried) got shared season tickets and I went to a game a few weeks ago and thought, everyone else in this stadium is having a wonderful time, and I just don't get it.

Maybe I am too close to the losing a spouse situation.  I read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.  I thought it was a great book, very readable and heart wrenching.  I wonder if you asked a homeless person, or children who had such an unstable upbringing what they thought of her book what kind of reaction you would get.  Would it be like mine to those stories of losing a spouse?  

So I hope you still like me.